Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
