you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
