I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
