I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
