theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
