My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
