Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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