I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
