wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
