Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
