The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
