i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
