if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
