So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
