I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
