Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
