i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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