So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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