life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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