the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
