So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
