tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
