hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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