I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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