God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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