I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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