I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
