my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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