So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
