So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
