I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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