I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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