Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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