You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Be still, my beating vagina.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
