She tied me up with her honor cords...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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