I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
