I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
