I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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