So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
