I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
