i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
