Sponge bath it is.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
