Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
