i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
