..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
