was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
