What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
