1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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