And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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