Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
